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One of my infamous Late-Night Rants and Revelations.
I came across a comment that one of my friend’s boyfriend left on her Facebook page: “You constantly make me feel like I’ve won the female lottery.” This has to be the sweetest thing that I’ve ever heard anyone say. Ever. And that’s sad. Because shouldn’t I be with someone who makes ME feel that way? And visa-verse? If I don’t feel this way about who I’m with, I’m probably with the wrong person. If I’m asking these questions now, then there must be something that I’m missing out on. SomeONE. And if I feel like I can do better than this relationship, then it’s probably time to move on.

When a girl sees that kind of thing in someone else's love life, they immediately think: What is wrong with me that my boyfriend doesn’t say those things? Because that is exactly the way that a girl SHOULD make her man feel. So, she thinks: Either I’ve failed or he just isn’t as into me as he used to be, or both. And talking about it doesn’t help. Because then you just seem whiny, super insecure, and “ludicrous.”

Oooo. But I want that.

And it’s attainable. There are many fish in the sea. If THAT girl can get it, so can I.

I want my boyfriend to tell his friends that I’m the shit. I’m the exception to every rule, to every girlfriend stereotype. That I make them feel like a king. Like he can’t go without. I can’t let this one go. Like he pities his friends for not being able to have something so good. And I want to feel the same way.

But our… relationship–

Ahh- I wanted to say love, but it’s not even that. It’s been a year and neither of us have used that word. I’ve certainly felt that way and there are times when I am certain that he loves me too. That’s been a nice feeling. But I don’t think I’ve ever felt like he can’t be without me. And that’s what I want.

I see relationships that are far better than mine. And that’s a big problem.

I don’t feel any different than any other girlfriend he’s had. And that really hurts.

If this ain’t love, then how do we get out?

Our relationship is so… average. Which is far from what I’ve ever wanted.

I should have been born a dude. I could have been an amazing boyfriend.


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