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Throwing Punches
The one thing that I have in common with God: The world loves and hates me too. Woman. A crazy, emotional heap of bullshit. That's the mentality that I'm continuously battling against, in one way or another. From everywhere. And I don't know what to do to escape it. The very act of talking about it, right now, is female. When I was younger I went insane because all I wanted was to be so far away from this, but the very nature of thinking about it was, in itself, feminine, the thing I hate but had to be in order to be loved. In order to feel attractive. In order to be viewed as acceptable.

I can still take a joke, though. I take it with gritted teeth. It's still hilarious. Laughing with thorns in my sides, which makes me laugh harder because no one has a god damned clue. I don't want anyone to know because it would make them feel uncomfortable. It would make me exactly the thing they don't understand and hold in a position of contempt. And I wish to be everything that isn't. The exception to every joke, clenched fist and frustrated sigh. I just have to find someone who will let me.

How do I explain all of this to a man who can't find a drop of estrogen in his body and would never understand what it means to struggle for acceptance and respect? Maybe I should just start throwing punches.


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